Some things are beginning to surface within me after numerous months of reading, quiet reflection, and questing conversations. Stirrings, musings, and yearnings are making their way to the surface. Going camping (village-style), helped show me some things. The on-line dating process is showing me other things. Self-definitions are breaking down, sexual energy heating up, ideas and past experiences melding and re-combining in new patterns. I’ve felt molten, messy, pissy, frustrated, inspired – like a compost pile – full of bits of things that are reforming, re-inventing, re-aligning, dissolving, bubbling, agitating. I decided to give myself this season to integrate experiences from my previous travels, prepare for what’s next, relax and enjoy, meet some available single men, and see what emerges. That all sounds really good, and sensible, even wise. And there are days when it all feels pretty good. But I’ve had more confusing, emotionally frustrated days than I can remember since the struggles of early adulthood.
One thing becoming a little clearer is that in the absence of a strong sense of “home” (almost all of my possessions are still in storage, and I’m only sub-letting a place through the end of Sept), my attention is being drawn to “a calling”, rather than to any focus on home-base, per se.
I’ve been reading with great interest, the book: Reinventing Organizations, by Frederick Laloux. It’s describing businesses and organizations of different kinds that are all modeling organizing principles based on the most recent evolutionary shifts in human consciousness. This interests me greatly, though I don’t currently have a clue how, in my own life, this interest will manifest itself. But, I do, at least, have a feeling that reading the book is preparing me to recognize the kind of enterprise or social engagement that I am most likely to be drawn to – or co-create.
Last winter, in one of my blog posts, I admitted to being alienated to much of what I see, hear, and feel going on every day around America, and in much of the world where corporate culture has taken root, trapping and warping the human spirit, and causing significant environmental degradation. I mentioned an intent to try to find new human enterprises and motions that represent what I’d like to be part of, rather then spending my time, energy and resources fighting the entrenched system that is de-moralizing so many. So it is with joy, admiration and enthusiasm that I am reading about these very, very different kinds of businesses and organizations that are succeeding beyond expectations in fostering much more joyful, enriching, life-affirming and effective working communities. Who knows where life will lead next, but I am pooling my intent to catch the next wave of meaningful motion that arises. It hasn’t presented yet, but at least now I’m learning in more specific terms what qualities to look for and becoming clearer what my contributions might be.
This is my summer hang-out spot
One of the major intents for this summer has been to enjoy the friendly attention of single men and expand my community of friends in this category. Here’s what I have to say: there are a lot of lonely people out there! I’ve posted on two different web-sites over about a two month period. As I scan the photos, I feel great compassion for humanity- for the ones who look like life has beaten them up, for those who look like hungry-ghosts, for those who look like they’re not well, for those who aren’t good-looking, and even for those who look fiercely happy. There are many that, of course, I am not drawn to, and would never dream of contacting because they’re from a different world. But still I can feel for them.
I have indeed received friendly male attention and have bestowed my own friendly, female attention as well. Some of it has been in the form of a wink sent to my e-mail, with an invitation to find out who they are (of course, my identity is kept private until I should decide to disclose it); sometimes I’ve been the one to send a wink and make the invitation. I’m told that, according to a couple of fellows I’ve met, very few women take that initiative (but you know me!). Anyway, if I’ve detected that the person is someone I’m curious to know, an email conversation ensues. I’ve met a few locals in person, and have even flown elsewhere to meet someone (once, so far). I’ve had wide ranging conversations with an impressive array of people in different places and sectors! I have written or spoken with a harbor master, a grower, a nuclear power plant engineer, a mayor, a community designer, a photographer/videographer, a retired silicon valley entrepreneur, a retired naval officer, an alcohol addiction counselor – to list just a few.
What I’m finding is that there are all sorts of reasons that people are on these sites, but mostly I’d say, people really are lonely for a certain quality of attention that is associated with that of a mate. But, even if you’re not right for each other in that regard, there can be various kinds of positive connection. And, at the very least, for me, I am learning how different people bring out different aspects of me.
I can have good chemistry with someone, but if their life doesn’t have the qualities I’m looking for – openness, an appetite for challenge, intellectual stimulation, cultural sophistication, and wide-ranging curiosity – then they’re not for me. I’ve met some who’s life could be complimentary, but the physical chemistry isn’t there. I’ve met someone where both seemed a potential fit, but who wasn’t actually as available as I’d hoped. Ah well…..
Some folks, even some of these fellows have warned me to be careful. And, I am being careful. My seeing practice is extremely helpful in this regard. I definitely put my intuition to good use here! But its also true that some level of risk is embedded in life, and that too many seem to spend their lives avoiding the risks that invite change and challenge. So, when I read in a fellow’s profile, “I’m a low-key kind of guy”, that is an indicator that he’s not my type.
It has been a very different summer than any previous summer season I’ve ever had. I’ve been having a full spectrum of emotions. I’ve met people I wouldn’t have met had I not done this on-line thing. I’ve spent many hours alone. I’ve not been creative, but I have read, watched lots of movies, swam, enjoyed lots of conversations, gone camping with friends, and took an overnight field trip to Bend. I’ve taken some guitar lessons and a rowing clinic at the Ashland Rowing Club. I’m coming close to publishing the Traveler Oracle Booklet. I’m still doing children’s face-painting, at Maslow, and here with my land-lord’s daughter.
Just a couple of nights ago, on the biggest full moon night, I met my friends Mike and Merry, for our monthly Full Moon Paddle on Emigrant Lake. Usually there’s about 10 people and a good five or more vessels, but this night it was just the three of us. It was a spectacular evening, and wonderfully warm out on our shrinking lake. Once the three of us were back on shore, and with hearty laughter, we mooned the moon! (Big Grin).
Life is sweet, all things considered!
Loved your post, Nancy, as it was a vast expression of openness, honesty, and a look at all things, not just what delights you, but of an opposite nature too. I summize you are growing alot through this summer! Lovely to hear from you! Much love, Margie